Teacher's report

In my earlier eagerness to laud the brilliance of Straits Times Forum writers, I forgot to extend my admiration for Straits Times propagandists journalists. 

So here's an ST article, along with my usual sweet nothings in red:

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Temasek, GIC losses won't drain reserves

By Mavis Toh, Straits Times Feb 15 2009

The questions came thick and fast, but Senior Minister of State for Finance Lim Hwee Hua responded assuringly. 

[Mavis, It's irrelevant to readers whether or not the minister responded assuringly, or uninterestingly, or hysterically. What's more important is what her responses are. Also, I don't need to know how thick and fast the questions were, I need to know what questions they are. Save the details about thickness for my later curiosity. If you must know, thickness never fails to excite me, especially thickheaded journalists (amongst other heads of various thickness). You have gotten me very excited, but indeed we ought to focus on these hard issues at hand.] 

Singapore's reserves will not be depleted by losses incurred by Temasek Holdings and the Government of Singapore Investment Corporation (GIC), she said.

[Dear Mavis, Temasek has lost S$58 billion in 8 months, with the GIC losing a reported S$200 billion. Now, that's almost all of our reserves gone. All the thick and fast questions and no one asked the most important question???]

Fixed deposits, urged by some, may be safe but will not provide income growth which is crucial to building up reserves.

[And my primary school cousins will tell you that 0.5% interest earned is still a more attractive rate than a massive 30-50% plunge in value. They'd also ask you: what building up of reserves? Our reserves are on the verge of vanishing. So how ah lidatt, this is like not building up, more like kena nuked!!!]

These and other key issues were addressed by Mrs Lim in a 90-minute dialogue titled 'Youth's Role for Budget 2009' with members of the People's Action Party's (PAP) youth wing yesterday.

[Got address the issues meh? You got the correct address or not? And why tell me about 'other key issues' if you don't tell me what issues they are? Are you trying to achieve your word limit by writing nonsense???]

Young PAP chairman Teo Ser Luck and vice-chairman Christopher de Souza were present. 

[Why is this relevant? I'm more interested in what they had to say during the event. If they hadn't said anything of importance, then they're as irrelevant as this sentence of yours. While you're at it, you might as well tell me how beautiful the decorative plants are and how brightly lit-up the stage was.]

In Parliament last week, Mrs Lim revealed that Temasek's net portfolio value dropped 31 per cent between March 31 and Nov 30 last year, from $185 billion to $127 billion.

GIC also saw a decline in the value of its investments last year but the numbers were not disclosed. [Why???]

Yesterday, Mrs Lim explained that GIC's investment in 'dangerous asset classes' was not a sudden move but a slowly evolving strategy. 

[Mrs Lim, my uni students will tell you the question is whether or not this strategy is a good one. Then my primary school cousins will tell you that in light of recent tragic developments, this strategy is no good. And I'll tell you why not you switch places with my cousins - they become ministers and guard our reserves, and you go back to primary school to learn simple Maths.]

She added: 'Income from reserves is crucial. We cannot have income growth if we just leave the money in fixed deposits.'

The key now is to make returns by putting reserves in good long-term positions, using a balanced portfolio to diversify risks, she said.

[The key now is not just where to make returns but also how to recover the losses, and how is the government planning to be accountable to the billions of dollars gone.]

She reiterated that the two state-owned companies are long-term investors and the Government is confident they will continue to deliver good long-term returns.

[The great economist Maynard Keynes also iterated: in the long run, we'll all be dead. And you do not convince me of something simply by saying you're confident of it, e.g. 'Hey Mrs Lim, give me half of your million-dollar salary, I am confident that I can deliver good long-term returns for you. How and Why ah? Dunno also leh, nehmind la, just have confidence in me la, just believe. *Wink wink*.' That's why con-men on the streets are getting very worried. Not only is the economy worsening, ministers are also trying to snatch away their jobs. As they would say: siao liaoz...]

She said both have also weathered similar downturn cycles and come out strong.

[No leh, when the government was shirking the responsibility for incurring such huge losses, you guys were saying this downturn is the biggest and most severe downturn. My primary school cousins will tell you 'different' is not the same as 'similar' - got difference one ok. Don't play play.]

In response to a question on banks' reluctance to give loans to businesses, she was confident that 'real evidence of flow' will be seen in the next few weeks.

[Out of point. Mavis ah, this article is about how Temasek/GIC won't drain reserves, not about banks' reluctance to give loans to businesses. Are you trying to distract, tempt, and seduce? You're not my type so I'm not interested. I'm just interested in the issue at hand: Temasek and GIC's losses.]

In last month's Budget, a Special Risk-sharing Initiative, with the Government taking on more of the risk in bridging loans and trade financing, was revealed.

'We're working very closely with the banks and the Government is taking on greater risks to give assurance to banks,' she said. 'From anecdotal evidence, the lines are flowing again.'

On a personal note, she said that she found this year's Budget, her fifth, the most exciting because 'there was no shortage of challenges'.

[Yah, I'm sure if I had S$300 billion to burn at the casino and lost half of it within a few months, I'd have a very exciting time too. It will be such a challenge to provide some answers as to how I lost these money. Very suay loh! What else? Tonight go casino again, hopefully can recoup hor.]

Singapore's strength is in its adaptable, honest, competent and hard-working people, she said, adding: 'We're better equipped than anyone to cope with this downturn, so don't give up.'

[Mrs Lim ah, this is saying nothing. If I lost my primary school cousins' life-savings in the casino and then come back and tell them, 'eh cousins ah, your strength is being adaptable, competent and hardworking, so don't give up hor.' You think I'll get walloped or not.]

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Grade: A for Bootlicking; F for Propaganda; F for Journalism; D for Entertainment value.

Overall grade: F

Teacher's comments:

Dear Mavis, 

I understand that you may possess strong interests in the time-honoured art of bootlicking. In this regard, you have exceeded my expectations, as well as demonstrated extraordinary talents. 

However, the whole point of writing an ST article is that it must be a good piece of propaganda. A good piece of propaganda is one that goes undetected by readers. Thus, you have shown yourself to be very complacent, if not incompetent. If your intentions to bluff readers continue to be exposed, no one will believe in what you write anymore, and the reputation of the school may be tarnished. Worse, the whole of ST will have to shut down. Who else is going to read the ST if everyone knows it is government propaganda?! 

As I see that you have some potential in providing entertainment,  I advice that you consider a future career as a circus clown rather than a propagandist journalist.

Mr Tan.