Letter writing to the ST

Reading the Straits Times everyday still, I am struck by the consistency of quality letters published in the Forum page. They remind me so much of those Secondary school 'complaint letters' that I used to mark. Either these letter writers never grow up or they were such good students they never forgot what their teachers taught them. Maybe in remembrance of their wonderful childhood memories and enduring admiration of their former teachers they attempt to relive those happy years by writing love letters to the Straits Times praising the gahmen to the skies. 

Now I see the importance of brainwashing teaching Singaporeans when they're still young, and indoctrinating inculcating them with the right Singaporean values: study hard, work hard, be eternally thankful to the government for everything on earth, and please retire in JB when you can no longer work thankyouverymuch. 

Sometimes I really think that Singaporeans are dumb because of the education system AND reading the Straits Times. Singaporeans have so much potential to be better and more intelligent...

In the spirit of upgrading and self-improvement before you get banished to JB's luxurious nursing homes, and given my wealth of experience in marking these sort of exercises, as well as my irresistable urge to admire ST propaganda on a daily basis, I am providing what I think is an even better template for sending letters to the Straits Times. Try practising a few times and send them in while you apply for your overseas PR and assorted migration papers. Your improved English in the process will be an invaluable advantage when being considered for permanent residency abroad.

The names and places can be changed of course, but the rules of thumb are: 1) provide as much unnecessary details and useless information as possible (long-windedness is a plus in this instance), 2) express as much indignance and righteous rage as possible, 3) remind our fellowmen that Singapore is a first-world country, and 4) invoke national catastrophe and unavoidable perdition if such tragic incidents are left unchecked. 

For example:

I write to express my anger/disgust/alarm after surviving one of my worst dining experiences. On Tuesday at 1p.m where the sun was shining and the breeze was calm, my friends and I went to X Y Z restaurant that is situated at the second corner from the third turning off Too Lan Road. After waiting for a good 15 minutes, the waitress finally ushered us to the table by the window, as opposed to the other tables not by any window. We sat down and had a look through the menu. I was thinking of ordering Mee Siam. I have heard from many of my friends, colleagues, family members, and even complete strangers in the MRT and on the Internet that this eatery is famous for its Mee Siam.  [unnecessary info & useless details: tick]

But imagine my horror when the menu stated that the famous Mee Siam dish comes with cockles! Look, this is utterly ridiculous. Mee Siam dishes do not come with cockles! Indignantly, I summoned the manager to the table [Indignance: tick]. I duly informed her that they were making a serious mistake and insulting our local cuisine. I said I would order the dish nonetheless, but only if the Mee Siam did not have cockles. So I was shocked when she told me that this would be impossible. She related how this innocent local dish gained national fame a few years ago after being introduced on national TV by a prominent cabinet minister. [note: 'shocked' is a very useful word. Use it generously whenever you can. Rule of thumb: if it aint shocking, it aint worth writing.]

However, I was adamant that there should be no cockles in my Mee Siam. I am a very conservative Singaporean, and I strongly believe national cuisines, just like our national values, should never be adulterated and impugned. Cockles, however delicious and tempting they may be, should remain where they are. Can you imagine if Section 377A of our penal code was repealed? Can you imagine the endless cockles being shoved into our dishy Mee Siams? Mee Siam today, Back Chor Me tomorrow? Soon, our country would be invaded by cockles left right centre, front and back! [Righteous rage: tick]

Unfortunately, the manager remained equally adamant that their brand of Mee Siam not be besmirched, and insisted that I try their specialty. 

I think this is extremely absurd. Is it so difficult to request that a harm-less dish of Mee Siam not be added with cockles? Singapore is a first-world nation with first-class infrastructure, and it has one of the highest GDP per capita in the world. We have a cohesive, well-educated population with a strong track record of productivity and excellence that have contributed to building our large national reserves. Needless to say, all these are only possible with a well-trained armed forces, a harmonious tripartite labour movement, and an eternal ruling party. In addition, we have an independent judiciary, a responsible press, and our people are free to voice their opinions and speak truth to power with neither trepidation nor fear. All these have ensured that we have become gracious society, a garden city, and, it is worth repeating: a first-world nation with first-class infrastructure, with one of the highest GDP per capita in the world. All in all, Singapore is undoubtedly our home that we are proud of. As Singapore forges more good years ahead in the 21st century and enters another golden period as the premier global city of the arts, culture, and repression, it is time that Singaporeans be open to the idea that customers should have a say as to whether or not there are cockles in their Mee Siams. [First World Singapore etc. and neverending etc.: tick]

Cordon Tan Le Bleu

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This is only a guide, of course. For real examples, kindly refer to the Forum pages of the Straits Times on any day. 

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Been a bit brain dead the last one week, after writing a string of articles singing praises about the PAP and the wonderful people of Singapore, so no energy to write florid poetic self-indulgent prose singing praises to the fluff of light snow that's been falling on England. (It's been snowing beautifully the last two weeks, and I must write about it soonish).

Note to my ex students:

When you kiddies grow up to acceptable age, I'll show you my other M18 blog that contains everything you need to ace your GP and thereafter attain your B.A. Hons degree in political science (majoring in PAP De(con)struction and Condemnation of Chronic Singaporean Stupidity). Should you wish to further your tertiary education in the said disciplines beyond the B.A., I'll be happy to supervise your MA or PhD theses provided I've become a tenured professor somewhere by then.