My night friend

And for many nights now, while lying in bed just before I fall asleep, I would start talking to this guy beside me. It is usually one-way, with me doing the talking, asking the questions, and then providing the answers. But more often than not, there are more questions than there're answers, which only begets more questions from me, like: "why aren't you answering my questions?!?" But he's a very quiet guy.

And last night, just before I fell asleep, this thought occurred to me. That the writing of my thesis is forcing me to confront all my physical, temperamental, and intellectual inadequacies - weaknesses, and flaws that have plagued my entire, entire life. That is, weaknesses and flaws that ought to have prevented me from climbing up (not that I've been very high up) the career ladder, the social scale, the food chain, so to speak. Yet, and yet, I have somehow wittingly or unwittingly squeezed through each gantry, bypassed the roadblocks, escaped the traps, and arrived at this point. This very gate where I would be let into the hallowed halls of academia. Or not. This very gate where I am confronted with all these flaws that I have to overcome, that I must, or else.

Such are the heavy thoughts that have accompanied me the past many nights, to bed, to sleep, and, perchance, to dream.

All while my quiet friend beside me keeps very quiet. So very quiet.